Forum of the Saxes

Tully · Joined: 11 Sep 2005 Posts: 170 Location: Woodinville, WA

Smoothed Out
by Kirk Pynchon

All of us here on God’s Green Earth have something about ourselves that we don’t like. Some of hate the way we look. Some of us wish we weren’t so shy. And there’s even a small group of us that hate everything about ourselves and wish we could start all over.

But for me, my dislike about myself goes much deeper. There’s something inside of me that I wish I could expel from my body. It’s something that’s not only hurtful to me, but to those around me. It’s a cancer spreading rapidly. It’s a disease with no cure.

I wish I didn’t like smooth jazz.

Yes, I am a fan of the smooth jazz. And I hate myself for it. It racks me with guilt and shame. I live my life in a constant state of humiliation. Unfortunately, my smooth jazz addiction is complete and final. I’ll never get that smooth jazz monkey off my back (even as I write this I am listening to smooth jazz – The Best of Al Jarreau).

I continually have to defend my love of smooth jazz, from strangers, friends, even family. Most people hate this form of music (I call these people…evil). They call it “elevator music” or “hold music” or worse, “Muzak”. Let’s get one thing clear: smooth jazz is not Muzak. They are two completely different things. Muzak sucks. Smooth jazz rules. Any idiot can see that.

Contrary to popular opinion, not all smooth jazz is the same. There are different degrees of smoothness. There’s the classic smooth style personified by old-schoolers like George Benson or David Sanborn (yes, there is an old school to smooth jazz – know your history). There’s the European smooth style by the likes of David Benoit and Alex Bougnon, who may not be European but their names sure sound like it so I’m putting them in that category. There’s the funky smooth jazz seen in bassist Wayman Tisdale, a former NBA power forward, so those of you who think smooth jazz is for pussies, go ahead and tell Mr. Tisdale that to his face. And of course there is the smoothest jazz of all, performed by Kenny G and Dave Koz, whom I like to call, “Kenny G Part Two”.

Of course, when people find out that I like smooth jazz they always ask me the same question after they stop laughing. “So, do you like Kenny G?”

Yes. Yes I do. Are you happy now?! Does that little piece of information make you feel better about yourself?! I listen to Kenny G. I have his CDs. I listen to him at home or in the car. I even went to a Kenny G concert once – and I loved it. So eat me.

[I used to lie about going to the Kenny G concert. I used to tell people that I only went because this girl I wanted to sleep with loved Kenny G and forced me to go. In actuality, I bought the tickets myself…and went with my mom.]

Maybe that’s why, like masturbation, listening to smooth jazz is best done alone.

Occasionally, I’m able to get my revenge on those haters of my music. I’ll be driving in my car with a friend and I’ll turn to the smooth jazz station and they’ll be playing someone like Sting:

“Listen,” I say casually. “Sting’s on the smooth jazz station. He must be smooth jazz.”

“No he’s not!” my friend will argue. “Sting is pure rock and roll! With or without The Police! He started out as a punk rocker!”

“Well,” I respond. “He’s a smooth jazz guy now.”

This drives my friends crazy – I love it.

People often complain about the banality of smooth jazz. They call it “boring” or worse, “coma inducing”. A buddy of mine once referred to smooth jazz as “music to kill yourself to”. I punched him in the throat for that. They just don’t get it. Part of smooth jazz’s appeal is it’s calming effect. It washes over you like a warm milk bath. The “smoothness” of smooth jazz is what makes it so special. It’s auditory Valium.

Why do I have such guilt over my love of smooth jazz? Why is it such a burden? I don’t see other fans of a specific music embarrassed by their love of it. Fans of the Grateful Dead don’t hide in shame – and let me tell you, they should. That music blows. But they don’t even blanche at the thought. The Dead Heads simply dance along their merry way, tripping their balls off and completely oblivious about their crappy music.

Maybe the reason is because the hardest thing about being a smooth jazz fan is accepting the fact that you like music for middle-agers. Let’s face it; no teenager out there is downloading Boney James to his or her MP-3. Smooth jazz is for people with great 401K plans, drive Infiniti’s, and drink excellent Merlots – none of which I have. Could it be that my love of smooth jazz is merely a representation for my inner desire to be a successful yuppie?

That’s ridiculous. I shudder at the thought. No, I love the music in and of itself. I love its harmonies. I love its rhythms. I love its tonality. I love smooth jazz purely for the way it sounds.

Then again, a great 3 bedroom/2 bath Spanish-style house with Pottery Barn furniture and William-Sonoma kitchen appliances sounds pretty good, too.

Kirk Pynchon is a writer/actor living in Los Angeles. His plays Man Card, Kirk du Soleil, Poppin' and Lockdown and Poppin' and Lockdown 2: Dance The Right Thing have been produced to critical acclaim in Los Angeles, Chicago and Aspen. He is also one of the creators of the cult short film Stunt C*cks, which has appeared in over 25 film festivals and has won several audience awards. Right now, he's listening to Bobby Caldwell's "What You Won't Do For Love" on the smooth jazz station.

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